Compliments are an essential part of nurturing a healthy relationship. They make your partner feel valued, loved and appreciated. However, not all compliments are created equal and some, despite appearing innocent, can have unintended negative effects. In fact, there are two compliments you might want to reconsider before you offer them to your significant other.
These seemingly harmless phrases can unknowingly undermine emotional well-being, leading to long-term issues in your relationship. Let’s explore why you should avoid saying these two particular compliments and how you can replace them with more supportive alternatives.
1. “How Are You Always So Calm?”
It’s a compliment that sounds good at first — you’re acknowledging how composed your partner is during stressful situations. Yet, this phrase can inadvertently reinforce emotional suppression, which can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
When you tell your partner, “How are you always so calm?”, you might be praising them for their ability to stay composed, but it could send a subtle message that their emotions, especially strong ones, are something to be avoided or minimised. Instead of reinforcing the value of emotional transparency, you could be teaching your partner to suppress their feelings in favour of appearing calm or collected.
While calmness can be a valuable trait, it shouldn’t come at the expense of emotional expression. In a relationship, it’s crucial that both partners feel they can express their emotions authentically without fear of judgment. Praising your partner for their calmness might discourage them from opening up when they need to, ultimately leading to a lack of emotional depth or vulnerability in the relationship.
Better Alternative:
Rather than focusing on your partner’s calmness, try highlighting their emotional strength. For example, saying, “I really admire how you handle difficult situations with such grace,” or “You’re so resilient and I love how you stay grounded during tough moments,” encourages your partner to embrace their emotional responses rather than hide them. This lets your partner know you appreciate their emotional honesty and strength, helping to foster an atmosphere of mutual respect and emotional connection.
2. “You’re the Only Person I Can Talk To”
Telling your partner, “You’re the only person I can talk to,” is often meant to express trust and reliance. However, this compliment can create an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship, potentially placing an overwhelming emotional burden on your partner.
When you say that your partner is the only person you can confide in, it might initially seem like a deep expression of trust. However, it can also inadvertently make your partner feel responsible for managing all of your emotional needs. This could lead to emotional dependency, where your partner becomes the sole emotional support system in your life, which is neither sustainable nor healthy.
Emotional dependency can place undue pressure on your partner, leaving them feeling responsible for your emotional well-being. In a healthy relationship, it’s essential to have a diverse emotional support network — friends, family, and sometimes even professionals — who can offer different kinds of support. Relying too heavily on one person for everything can lead to emotional burnout and resentment, ultimately harming the connection between partners.
Better Alternative:
Instead of saying, “You’re the only person I can talk to,” consider expressing gratitude for the support they provide without making them feel solely responsible. You could say, “I feel so lucky to have you by my side for support,” or “I’m grateful for the emotional strength you offer when I need it.” This not only shows appreciation for your partner’s role in your life but also acknowledges that a healthy relationship involves both partners giving and receiving emotional support without feeling overwhelmed.
The Importance of Emotional Independence
Emotional independence is crucial in any healthy relationship. Both partners should be able to rely on one another for support, but it’s also important to maintain a sense of emotional autonomy. When you have a range of people to turn to for different kinds of emotional support, you ensure that no single person is burdened with the task of meeting all your emotional needs.
Encouraging emotional independence doesn’t mean shutting your partner out or not being there for them when they need support. Instead, it’s about fostering a balanced relationship where both partners can maintain their individuality and emotional well-being while still being there for each other.
By encouraging emotional independence and reducing the pressure to be “everything” for each other, couples can create a healthier, more supportive dynamic. This also helps prevent burnout, anxiety, or feelings of resentment, which can arise from the belief that one person must bear the weight of all the emotional labour in the relationship.
Reframing Compliments for Stronger Connections
While compliments are a powerful way to affirm your partner, the key is to ensure that the words you choose help build a stronger emotional connection, not undermine it. Compliments that affirm your partner’s true emotional strength, resilience and openness are far more beneficial than those that reinforce emotional suppression or dependency.
Here are some alternatives to the two compliments we’ve discussed:
- Instead of: “How are you always so calm?”
Say: “I admire how you can stay grounded in tough situations — it’s inspiring.” - Instead of: “You’re the only person I can talk to.”
Say: “I’m so grateful for the emotional support you give me. You always know just how to help me feel better.”
These alternatives reinforce the value of emotional transparency, mutual support, and emotional resilience, without creating a sense of pressure or dependency.
Strengthening Your Relationship with Thoughtful Compliments
Compliments can be an incredibly powerful tool for strengthening your relationship. They can make your partner feel seen, heard, and valued. However, to truly deepen your connection, it’s important to be mindful of the messages your compliments send. Instead of reinforcing emotional suppression or placing the entire weight of emotional responsibility on your partner, choose compliments that encourage emotional honesty and balance.
A healthy relationship thrives on open communication, emotional support and mutual respect. Compliment your partner in ways that acknowledge their strength, resilience and emotional intelligence. This will not only help your relationship grow but also create a more emotionally fulfilling partnership for both of you.
Remember, the most meaningful compliments come from a place of love and genuine appreciation, not from the desire to reinforce an idealised image of emotional composure. By choosing your words carefully, you’re nurturing a deeper, more authentic bond that can withstand the challenges that life throws your way.
